Super delayed "Sorry I suck at life" post

Hey all!

Good news! My thesis is done and turned in, I have moved back to America for the summer, and I am STILL ALIVE.

Operation Adventuretime Mongolialand is still on for August sometime, and the accompanying blog will be resurrected at such time as I actually know when everything is happening.

Yay!

Super Delayed "Blog is on hiatus" Post

Hey all!

As if you hadn't already guessed, Kultushock! is officially on hiatus until I get this thesis under control. This is for two reasons: 1) I have negative amounts of free time on my hands, and b) monthly posts about how much I hate writing this damn thesis are boring.

Frankly, This Damn Thesis is shaping up to be like the hardest dumb thing ever. I don't know who's going to win this epic battle, but two of us are going in and only one is coming out. May the odds be ever in your my favor.

Love,
Me

P.S. Look for Kulturschock! to come back in April/early May, on a new platform and totally redone. I'll post here when it happens, and then we can all celebrate and be victorious because I will have vanquished This Damn Thesis.

November life updates!

AH! So I haven't blogged about anything interesting or entertaining or stupid and boring in three weeks. I'm sorry! Life has been pretty hectic in between school, work, thesis, transcribing, blah blah blah. Plus side, I am just 35 minutes away from being DONE transcribing for good! Downside, I have NO FUN STORIES.

That's not entirely true. I have a couple fairly interesting tidbits in my life:

1) Amsterdam didn't happen because Al and I have been so busy. But I am less than a month out from going back to America for Christmas, yay!

2) I wrote an article for an anthropology blog, yay! Here, have my full name.

3) Al has started writing for the Huffington Post Germany, yay! Here, have his real name.

4) I started taking Mongolian! Because three weeks into the semester, we found out our uni offers it. I don't know why I was so surprised, it's almost like I forgot my uni also offers obscure languages like Nahuatl and Lakota and Tok Pisin. I figured better late than never, especially because we are actually relocating to Mongolia at the end of this.

5) HOLY MOTHER OF GOD MONGOLIAN IS SO HARD. I swore to myself I would never learn anything harder than German, and now where am I? I'll tell you. Staring down the barrel of 8 cases, 8 ways to negate a sentence, 4 O sounds I can't tell apart, something called vowel harmony, and the fucking Cyrillic alphabet. So there's that. Trying to read makes me feel like I've taken a brick to the cerebral cortex. It doesn't help that everyone in the class has already spent time in Mongolia/learned Classical Mongolian because they're linguistics majors and get off on noun declensions and paronyms. I asked the one girl today how many languages she had fluent speaking command of today, and she told me six. Six. Jesus. I mean, my goal is to eventually speak seven, but I figured 2 and a half at 25 wasn't terrible.

6) Kulturschock! is getting an overhaul sometime next spring/early summer. Al and I actually have plans for this whole blog thing come Move To Mongolia time, so there's that.

7) Why did it take me this long to get into Battlestar Galactica?

8) I only have seven things.

That's all for you today, folks! Gotsta jet, I am powering through these stupid transcriptions!

American vs. German WWII films

The other day while taking a shower I got to pondering WWII (as you do), and how my understanding of it as an American is entirely different from anything I've encountered here. WWII in America is an affirmation of American awesomeness. WWII in Germany is an ever-present monster that informs the vast majority of German politics, culture, and national outlook seventy-some odd years later. Hang out in Germany long enough (i.e., like a day) and you are bound to run into WWII, because the past is never far, especially when the past was fucking awful.

Curious as to whether those differences in American/German understandings of WWII translated to film depictions of the war, I convinced my boyfriend that we, one American and one German, needed to watch one American and one German WWII film* and discuss. So that's what we did.

*The films we went with are technically miniseries. So sue me.

Let's meet our players.

American series: Band of Brothers

German Title: Wir Waren Brüder

Follows Easy Company and the 101 Airborne paratroopers as WWII happens and they fight across France, Holland, Belgium, and Germany. Based on the Stephen Ambrose book of the same title. Actually happened.

German series: Unsere Mütter, Unsere Väter (literally, Our Mothers, Our Fathers)

American Title: Generation War

Follows five friends across the course of the war. Two are soldiers on the Russian front, one is a nurse, one becomes a singer, and one's Jewish, so you can imagine how well that works out for him.

Spoiler alert: everybody dies.

Just kidding. But if you haven't seen BoB or UMUV yet and you're planning on it, you should probably stop reading now because I'm going to give away basically everything.

Difference 1: Theater of Operations

One of the first things I noticed when I decided we were going to do this was how American films are split pretty evenly down the middle in terms of whether they're about the European or Pacific theater. Most everyone can name a couple famous movies from each theater. If anything, I think we might be slightly (slightly) more skewed towards Europe, but it's not awful.

Nearly all German films are about the fighting in either Russia or North Africa. There are virtually no, I repeat, NO German films about the Germans fighting the Americans. When I brought this up with Al, his response was "NUH-UH. There are PLENTY." So I challenged him to come up with them. Three days later, he'd come up with all of one, so there's that.

Al says that the reason for this is because the European front for Germany wasn't all that interesting--they got it really fast, they lost it really fast, and we're done now. The Russian front, however, is where Germany really lost the war, especially after Stalingrad. The Russians did what they always do, namely, let the enemy hang out in the snow and freeze to death (fact: never start a land war in Asia), and the Germans obliged in great numbers. And it sucked. And everyone knows maximum suckage results in maximum amounts of movie deals later on.

So that's what Al thinks, and he's probably right. I however, think it has something to do with the fact that it's more socially acceptable to hate Russia for WWII than America.

Difference 2: Distinguishing between the Wehrmacht  and the SS

One of the things German WWII films are very clear on is the difference between the Wehrmacht (the army) and the SS (Senior Shitheads). It's debatable whether and how much the former knew about concentration camps--the latter ran them. In one UMUV scene, in which the soldier brothers are clearing out a farmhouse in Russia with the help of Ukrainian (for lack of a better term) mercenaries, we see a pretty stark differentiation. The soldier brothers see a little girl being thrown over the shoulder of a giant Ukrainian man, and put a stop to it by drawing their guns on the guy, saying the little girl is a civilian and they're not to be harming civilians.

Up saunters an SS officer who informs the brothers that that little girl is a Jew and therefore a danger to society. The brothers say they don't care, she's still a child and a civilian and they'll take care of her until they find a safe place for her. The SS officer reluctantly agrees, and hands the girl a piece of chocolate. Then he puts her in a headlock and shoots her point-blank. The brothers are horrified and disgusted, and the differences between them and the SS are clear enough to be seen by Stevie Wonder.

In BoB, there's no distinction to be made between the Wehrmacht and the SS, and the series goes one step further in barely distinguishing between Nazis and civilian Germans. For example, after E Company has been in Germany awhile, one soldier says to another something along the lines of "Isn't it funny how long we've been in Germany, and we haven't seen a single Nazi?" referencing how all the Germans they meet profess not to be Nazis.Which they clearly don't believe. 

Difference 3: Morality

A giant difference between German and American WWII films is how they present and deal with morality. If you've ever read BoB the book, Stephen Ambrose comes right out and says "The Americans were morally superior to the Germans." This is also something that we, as a culture, truly believe, as in "Those bastard Germans, they had concentration camps. What? We did too? Well, maybe the fucking Japs shouldn't have bombed Pearl Harbor if they didn't want to live in a camp. Have I mentioned how awesome we are? We are so awesome. Anyway, I bet Japs love camping. I was a Boy Scout. Boy Scouts shouldn't let gay people in. We are so awesome." 

This fundamental belief in our own morality is beaten so hard into our war films that the DVDs come home with bruises. But since very few people are naive enough to paint that black/white a picture of war, American WWII films are pictures of morality with a few moments of immorality--usually committed by someone that's not the hero--thrown in so audiences know that occasionally, some people do bad things in war.

In German films, it's the opposite. Immorality is the rule, and the snippets of morality (produced by the "heroes") that pop up are the exception. Characters are walking, talking propaganda machines--until the war gets so bad and the temperature drops so low that someone realizes Hitler has left them to freeze their asses off outside of Moscow. Cue unhappiness.

Difference 4: The effects of war.

In American films, war brings out the best in people. BoB is basically one long chronicling of how the men of Easy Company find new reserves of personal strength, courage, camraderie, and faith in order to meet and best the challenges that the war throws at them. They are heroes to be admired and exalted.

Unlike the poor fuckers of UMUV. Ten minutes into the first episode, Friedhelm, the younger soldier brother, remarks that "war will bring out the worst in us," and this serves as prophecy for the rest of the episode. Greta, the singer girl, starts an affair with an SS officer. Charly, the nurse, turns in a fellow nurse at the hospital upon discovering she's a Jew, and even though she'd done nothing except be kind to Charly. Friedhelm, the younger solider brother, suggests forcing Ukrainian peasants at gunpoint to clear a minefield--personally and by stepping on said mines. And Wilhelm lets his brother get beaten up by other soldiers and shoots peasants in the head. Turning BoB's morality on it's head, the first episode of UMUV is one long chronicling of how everyone is an awful fucking person. Except for the Jewish guy who, somehow, you still don't like. You feel awful for him because you know what's coming, but you still don't like him.

Im summary: American WWII films are full of heroes. German WWII films are full of anti-heroes.

Difference 5: Layers

Given the amount of shit the characters in them have to grapple with, it's fair to say that German WWII films go significantly deeper than American ones. In UMUV, you watch as all the characters wrestle with the terrible things they've done, and see every painful moment of their struggle to forgive themselves, redeem themselves and come to terms with themselves and everything that's happened (to varying degrees of success). They are, for the most part, generally decent human beings thrown into awful circumstances beyond their control, slowly realizing that the glorious war they signed up for turns out to be epic suckage. They yo yo between the terrible things they're forced to do and the terrible things they choose to do and try to find some way to come out of the war with their humanity intact

American WWII films, by comparison, are practically hunky dory. Because BoB claims moral superiority that is never questioned or challenged, it's a great exercise in patriotism but goes nowhere in terms of character development. Practically everyone is your favorite, and you know most of your favorites will make it home. And if none of your favorites come home, well, then you are terrible at picking horses. In UMUV, however, you're not sure everyone's coming home, or even if you want everyone to come home. Your feelings towards the characters are just as complicated as their feelings about themselves, something you don't see nearly as often in American WWII films.

Difference 6: The Ending

BoB has a great ending. They win.

UMUV has an awful ending. Berlin is a hot mess of rubble, the younger soldier brother commits suicide by Russian soldiers, the singer has been executed in prison for saying bad things about Hitler, the nurse gets raped by a Russian soldier but makes it back, and the older solider brother kills his commander, defects (for the 2nd time) and walks to Berlin from Middle Of Nowhere, Russia. 

And then, to top it all off, your German boyfriend gives you the lowdown on his grandmother's 1000-mile flight on foot to escape the advancing Red Army, and that's when you realize you require an episode or five of Friends in order to regain your will to live.

Happy watching!

The Current German Election Crisis*

*as understood by an American who does not really understand it

Many of you know  that Germany is in the midst of an election crisis. For those of you who don't know: Germany is in the midst of an election crisis. Many of you also know that in my 2+ years of living in Germany, I have been notoriously lazy in attempting to understand the German political system, because--let's not beat around the bush--the 7 or so parties that regularly fight in the colosseum that is Der Spiegel are approximately 5 more parties than my brain is accustomed to dealing with. We like to make things simple in America--Democrats tell Republicans to go fuck themselves, Republicans tell Democrats to go fuck themselves, and Independents, which is a fancy name for Everyone Who Will Never Be President, do a hoedown on the sidelines and get paid attention to by exactly no one. Easy peasy. If politics were a game, Americans would play Guess Who (has a mistress and does coke lines off their intern's hot bod). Germans would play a fucked-up version of Monopoly in which players can spontaneously team up to monopolize the railroads, there are bodies under Park Place, and the banker smiles too much.

As a result of their odd and persnickety system, the German political landscape looks less like a lovely Amsel Adams photograph and more like a bomb went off in the backyard. Which, metaphorically speaking, one just did, and it is called The Most Recent Election. My efforts to understand The Most Recent Election have mostly consisted of listening to my politically-active boyfriend complain on the phone and accidentally clicking on a Facebook post linking to Welt.de when I mean to hit the one below it on 19 Reasons Why Pants are the Enemy. My initial reaction to this mix-up was sadness. My next reaction was "This would be so much more interesting if there were dinosaurs."

Challenge to self: accepted.

Let's meet the dinosaurs. On the right to left spectrum, here are the five most important dinosaurs:

 T-Rex: the CDU (aka, Merkel's party)
 Place at the party table: center (for Americans, the CDU is equivalent to a more liberal version of our Democrats)



                               

                                 

   
Pterodactyl: the FDP
Place at the party table: center








Brontosaurs: Die Grüne
Place at the party table: Left





 
Stegosaurus: the SPD
Place at the party table: To the left to the left

                                                                                                             



Triceratops: Die Linke:
Place at the party table: Left left left left. Formerly the communist party  that ruled East Germany with an iron fist and nudist beaches.







This is what parliament Dinosaur Island looked like after the 2009 election:

In order to get shit done and pass laws (e.g., caveman hunting season, assigning asteroid watch, carrying Jesus around) the T-Rexes (CDU) and the Pterodactyls (FDP) teamed up as best buddies in order to create a majority.

This way, they were able to roam the island and keep all the other dinosaurs in line, which worked out pretty well, especially when the other islands started suffering under the financial crisis. The dinosaurs were like, "Your lives suck, but we are doing GREAT."

Now this is what parliament Dinosaur Island looks like after the most recent election:

The T-Rexes got even more votes, but their buddies, the Pterodactyls, got voted off the island completely, which means the T-Rexes no longer have a majority to get stuff done. This is a problem, because now the T-Rexes have to try and make friends with one of their sworn enemies (either the Stegosauri (SPD) or the Brontosauri (Die Grüne)) in order to get a working majority on Dinosaur Island again. What about the Triceratops, you ask? The T-Rexes and the Triceratops are mortal enemies (the level above sworn enemies from which there is no coming back). Like werewolves and vampires, just with giant lizards.

In the days since the election went to hell, neither the Stegosauri nor the Brontosauri have been able to find common ground with the T-Rexes, and indeed the last T-Rex/Stegosaurus meeting ended in a screaming match. So now the Stegosauri and the Brontosauri are considering teaming up with the Triceratops to form a majority, in which case the T-Rexes would be out of power entirely. The problems with this are: 1) this would result in about as socialist a government as the US is already accusing Dinosaur Island of being, and 2) if, theoretically, enough Brontosauri flat-out refuse to work with those pinko commie Triceratops, their plan is null and void and Dinosaur Island would have to throw out the entire election and have a new one.

To summarize, no one has any idea what's going on.

The End.