ALL the cool shit.

I'm having a meltdown.  And no, I did not see naked people on tv.

The main cause of my meltdown is grad school apps.  In my last post, I said I had to pick a minor, but I'm torn between Sweden and Ling Anth/Native America.  My meltdown is coming from the fact that I can't decide.  But, if I'm to be honest, it's not my indecision that's left me with the Godzilla of panic attacks, it's the terrible thought that occurred to me around midnight: what if being an adult means not getting to do ALL the cool shit?

Rewind.  The general consensus from yesterday was that I should minor in Ling Anth, because it's right up my alley, I already know I like it, and it's better for jobs.  Then I got to thinking, and truly, the field of language/culture preservation is actually really appealing to me, and that major/minor combo would set me up for it perfectly.  I've been blandly answering the question "What do you want to do with your life?" with a vague "I dunno, like NGOs or something," for a year or two, but the more I think about it, the more I like this more specific path.  I like languages.  I like (most) people.  I like the idea of preserving and revitalizing languages and cultures, and I like the idea that this will probably a) never be boring, b) involve very little sitting at a desk,  and c) take me to fun places all over the world where I can chill out with people who are wiser than me and who may or may not try to feed me haggis or something equally disgusting.

So now the problem is that I know ling anth would, career-wise, make more sense.  I mean, this is my masters we're talking about here, this is not a BA in basket-weaving, it will have direct repercussions on my job choices for the rest of my life.  But right this minute, I want to study Swedish.  Therefore, the problem has just become, do I do what I know I would enjoy/would prepare me for the jobs I want, or do I just do what I want.  And then, the bad question.  Does being an adult mean that I will only get to do SOME of the cool shit, and not ALL the cool shit?

Well there's a nasty thought.  If there's one thing my childhood instilled in me, it's a sleek employment of selfish tunnel vision until I get to do the cool shit I want.  When it came to activities, my mother never told me no.  I wanted violin lessons?  I got them.  I hated violin and wanted piano lessons?  I got them.  I wanted riding lessons?  I got them.  I wanted a pony?  It took me 8 years of persistence, but I got a giant one.  I wanted to roadtrip to Canada with my best friends?  I got it.  I wanted to go to Germany for two weeks in high school, then study abroad, then study abroad again, then give America the middle finger forever?  I got it.  Then I got older and started having to pay for my own things, but I still found a way to do everything I wanted, when I wanted it badly enough.  Mostly because my mom taught me never to question whether or not I should do cool shit, but rather, to decide what I wanted to do, and then figure out the way to do it.

Except now I'm left with a total existential crisis, because at the moment it's looking like there are lots of roads diverging in a yellow wood, with lots of cool shit going down on all of them, but the roads don't intersect.  What if I don't get do everything?  What if I don't get to do anything?  What if I don't want to?  What if I never work on the pirate ship?  Or climb Mt. Kilimanjaro?  Or backpack Asia?  Or move to Sweden?  What if my life isn't big enough for me to cram so much cool shit in it?  What if I wind up like the majority of grown-ups who hate their job, hate their life, hate themselves, and regret that they didn't do the all cool shit?  WHAT IF I CAN'T DO ALL THE COOL SHIT.




































...Nah, fuck it, I'm doing all the cool shit.  Somehow.