An Open Letter to the Red/Green Parties in Germany

Dear The Red/Green Parties (SPD und Die Grünen),

I get that you're weird. First, you're German, which doesn't help matters, and second, you're locked in a Commie/Tree-Hugger death alliance which is hellbent on tar and feathering all rational human beings while singing happy songs about energy-efficient light bulbs.

When you decided to close down the "dangerous" (read: well-regulated) nuclear power plants in Germany, I thought you were a bit weird. When you started importing less well-regulated nuclear energy from France and the Czech Republic, I thought you were weirder. When you talked a lot of talk about nuclear power plants being terrible for the environment but then opened up coal plants, I thought you were off your goddamn rocker.

When you started pushing for a minimum wage but refused to pay your interns, I thought you were a bit weird. When you decided to do away with holding failing students back in Lower Saxony schools, I thought you were weirder. When you talked a lot of talk about child development and encouraging student performance but then put it on your official party agenda to ban grades, I thought you'd been possessed by a demon.

When you declared it your goal to ban the German flag and national anthem, I thought you were a bit weird. When you started talking about implementing a Lower Saxony-wide ban on driving cars on Sundays, I thought you were weirder. When you talked a lot of talk about being liberals who let people make their own choices but then started pushing for one "vegetarian day" per week in which it would be impossible to buy or serve meat, I thought you'd hit the organic crack pipe a little too enthusiastically

But I would forgive you of all your nonsense if you would do one thing for me. Just one thing. One tiny, tiny thing.

When it snows, SALT THE GODDAMNED ROADS ALREADY.

Will it break your dog's feet? No. Will it ruin your cat's health? No. Will all the little birdies have a heart attack when they see what you've done to the places they normally crap on? Fuck no, what is wrong with you? Please for five minutes pull your heads out of your asses and acknowledge that the only thing worse for the roads than salt is the collective wreckage of multiple cars which have slid, crashed, flipped, or otherwise been pulverized into heaps of twisted metal that may or may not have already exploded into an environmentally-friendly fireball.

Just think about how much better it is for your dog's mental health when the bone he's chewing on does not turn out to be a human femur.

SALT THE ROADS.

Wishing you the best of luck in your future endeavors of asshattery,
Tina