Eurovision Song Contest!

Hey all!

I was initially going to put my Eurovision and Berlin blog posts together, but there was so much Eurovision amazingness, it just didn't happen.  Today, Eurovision, tomorrow, Berlin!

And now...

EUROVISION EUROVISION EUROVISION!!

Having never been in Europe before for the musical train wreck that is the Eurovision Song Contest, the Kiwi and I were flipping shit with excitement.  After a hard day of baking and running errands, the two of us went to the supermarket to hook ourselves up and show our support for Germany, by buying Germany leis, flags, and a blow-up chair for Al.  Which we blew up really awkwardly in the lobby of his building, while wearing the leis.  Then we started screaming as soon as he opened the door and forced him to sit in the chair for the duration of the TV program.

Then it was Eurovision time!  For starters, each year the contest is hosted in the country of the previous year's winner, which, this year, meant Azerbaijan.

Hold up.  Is Azerbaijan in Europe?

First problem of the day.  Azerbaijan, Georgia, and Israel are all participants in the Eurovision Song Contest.  I realize that this is a contested point, but to my mind, countries that don't exist on a map of Europe do not count as Europe.  Take, for example, this map:

However, in all fairness, this is a pretty shitty map.  Let's look at a better one.

Even when you zoom the map out, Azerbaijan, Georgia, and Israel are SO FAR from Europe, they're not in Europe.  The reason for this is because two of them are in Asia, one of them is in the Middle East.  When we keep in mind that the laws of physics only allow you to be on one continent at a time (unless you're standing on the border with a foot on either side, taking Facebook pictures), this means that Azerbaijan, Georgia, and Israel are not actually in Europe.  

In my brain, I imagine that Israel is allowed to participate out of pity.  They're probably not often asked to send representatives to the Pan-Arabvision Song Contest (which may or may not exist), so Europe was just kind of like "Hey no worries, screw the Middle East, come hang with us because we support you politically and we're cool."  But Azerbaijan and Georgia? Yeah, no.  Please consult map.

Anyway.  Suffice to say, the Eurovision Song Contest was so bad it was amazing and we had a brilliant time making fun of it.  Which brings us to the second problem of the day:  very few of the participants could sing, dance, or do both.  The clothes were weird, the songs were weird crapstorms over an over-mixed dance-beat, and the lyrics didn't make any sense.  For example, Greece sang "you make me want your aphrodisiac."  Let's break it down:

aphrodisiac--n--something which sexually arouses

"You make me want your aphrodisiac" then becomes "You make me want your unnamed something that sexually arouses, or at least, would sexually arouse if this sentence made sense, but considering I'm currently singing with all the sexiness of a de-feathered chicken, I imagine this conversation is over.  Call me sometime."

Here are some of our favorites from the suckfest:

England.  Represented by some guy who shamelessly stole the name of a nineteeth century German composer who wrote operas.  Not so much "singing" as it is "talking out of rhythm."  He reminds me a little bit of Johnny Cash, if Johnny Cash had zero musical talent but tried really, really hard.

Russia.  Dancing old ladies.  In case you were wondering, this was the act the Kiwi and I actually picked up our phones and voted for, mostly because we couldn't close our jaws.

Sweden.  Totally an undeserved win, in my opinion.  Definitely did not deserve to come ahead of second-place Russia.  And I wanted to cut her bangs off so she could at least see.

Turkey.  Even though the fact that a Muslim country was being represented by a Jewish singer interested me, I was prepared to write Turkey off as being horrible.  That is, until the Turks turned their awkward capes into an awkward pirate ship, which happens around the 2.20 mark.

Let me give you a hint, Norway.  You can only be gangsta if you're black or American.  

Germany.  Sadly, was probably one of the best of the night in the singing department, which says something.  To his credit, the dude has GIANT eyes and a beanie.

Ireland, apparently, has threatened to continue to send Jedward to Eurovision until they win.  Which means Jedward will assault our ears until the end of time, because they blow dick for skittles.  And they jump around like scarecrows hooked up to an electric fence.

And last but not least, Moldova.  Lampshade dresses and a weird fisting dance-move we spent all Sunday imitating.

And that's it!  That was my very first Eurovision Song Contest!  It was so bad it was awesome, and I'm super pumped for next year.