Some More Things About Germany I Just Don't Understand

So I've been living in Germany for nearly two years at this point, and even though I now understand many things about German culture that once confused me (bringing dogs into banks, obsession with sausages, Tatort), there are still a couple things that leave my brain leaking out my ears. I'm pretty sure some of these are bound by geography, since I most definitely do not recall these mystifying me in the southern, nicer parts of the country.

1) Assuming everyone around you is an idiot.

You go into the bank to take money out of the machine. It's 5 PM on a Friday so the place is hoppin and all the machines have long lines. You, the American, see one machine with no line, and immediately assume that because all the other lines are so long, that machine must be broken--because there's no way everyone in the place is that unobservant, I mean, this is Germany, they're very good at observing when you ride your bike on the wrong side of the street. So you just get in a line. And watch as every single German to walk in the door after you immediately goes to the machine, attempts to use it, realizes it's broken, and then moves to another line. Even the Germans that watch other people fail at the machine still have to give it the good old college try. Why? Why can't you just apply your infamous German logic, reason, and efficiency to this situation and save yourself the trouble?

I'll help you. Step 1: Enter. Step 2: Observe. Step 3: Deduce. Step 4: Don't waste time on the broken machine, silly head.

Edit: Al would like me to point out that this habit is the exclusive property of Western Germany. Too much democracy in the 60's, apparently. 

2)  Not making more food.

You're at a bakery at noon. The place closes in five hours, and they're seriously running low/are out of everything you want to buy. You ask the lady behind the counter if the next batch will be coming out of the oven soon, and she cooly informs you that they're done baking for the day: What? Why? You have five hours of business left, which you are losing because you won't bake! MAKE MORE. Somehow. Either make multiple batches throughout the day or make your original batch bigger. This is basic capitalism, people, work with me here.

3) The psycho-left.

I would like to point out that when I say "the psycho-left," I'm not talking about the Green Party, who are equally psycho but more in a hit-yourself-in-the-forehead-when-they-try-to-legalize-incest way.

No. I mean the psycho-left, of which a pretty solid contingent exists in Göttingen and they are fucking insane. You can usually identify them by the copious amounts of black clothing, their numerous anti-Nazi tattoos, and their propensity to pee on statues in broad daylight and beg for money on the street corner because capitalism is evil. Also, they don't neuter their dogs. Also, my dog could graffiti a wall more artfully. Also, they get together and have giant parties where they throw beer bottles and talk about how much they hate Nazis, sometimes while simultaneously peeing on more statues. For the record, they're actually a lot scarier than the psycho-right, also known as the Nazis. The psycho-right make noise at you. The psycho-left will jump you in an alley and/or throw concrete blocks through your storefront and fuck the po-leece because everyone knows cops are fascist pigs anyways.

In short, the psycho-left is made up of bullies and failed art students, who, from the best of my ability to judge these things, have epic daddy issues.

4) Why everyone loves to hate Angela Merkel.

Seriously, yo? You belong to the only economic power in Europe, arguably the only country in the Western world who's economy improved in the face of the worst recession since ever, what cause do you have to hate Merkel as much as you do?

5) Putting trash in my bike basket...when my bike is parked right next to a trash can.

Really? Is that necessary?

And finally,

6) I'll say it. North Germany is mean.

Here's a discussion I've had with numerous friends/acquaintances/southern Germans that have made the move from South to North Germany and unanimously regret it: why is the default mood of everyone in this half of the country at best aggressive, at worst passive-aggressive and downright asinine? On any give day I can expect to be yelled at by a stranger at least twice. Black looks and under-the-breath cursing more frequently. The other day I came to an intersection of two roads and turned left onto the sidewalk to bike the three feet to a corner kiosk to grab a drink. The owner was sweeping the stoop, saw me coming and immediately lit into me for riding my bike on the sidewalk. I looked at her with a completely straight face and said "So does this mean I can't come inside your store and buy something?" She hit me with a look to kill and slammed the door in my face, effectively losing my business for the next eon.

Listen, North Germany. I have no issues with bluntness, but being an asshat is not being blunt, it's just being an asshat. Does being a douche and yelling at strangers really improve your day? Would your mother be proud of you for passively-aggressively taking out your apparently incurable rage on customers and fellow pedestrians? Grow up. Grow some testicles. And come to our glass-half-full party, where we accept that life is not improved by being a jackass.

Love,
Me.

P.S. Prefacing your diatribes by addressing me as "young dame" just makes me want to put my young dame-ish fist through your face.