28 February 2012

Dear Everybody (A Series of Disclaimers)

Dear Everyone: Friends, Family, Acquaintances, Aliens, Sirens, Mermaids, Sphinxes, Greater and Lesser Demons, Unicorns, Sea Monsters, Cherubs, Imps, Zombies, and the like,


In the very cornery technological multiverse that is the internet, this is my particular corner.  I claimed this place in the name of King George way back in 2008, when I studied abroad for the first time.  Blogness continued during my 2009 trip to Bolivia, and then again as I traveled around the US in 2011, culminating in a move to Germany in June.  This blog has been a part of my life since way back in the day.

On that note, here are some things you should probably know about this blog:

1)  There's a way you talk to your employers, your parents, your teachers, your close friends, your children, your distant friends, your significant other, homeless people, people in stores, ad infinitum.  In our daily lives, we switch between speech patterns and the way we present ourselves without even realizing it.  Some anthropologists actually study this switching between codes.  They call the phenomenon "code-switching."  I have no idea why.

But you should know in the electrical box of this internet corner, the switch marked "friend" is always, always on.  I can't help it.  I'm American, and we have a seriously loose definition of the world "friend."  If you don't count yourself among my friends, or don't want to be spoken to as I would speak to a friend, please refer to number 5 of this list for the best course of action.

2)  In person, there is a pretty solid censor between what goes on in my brain, and what comes out of my mouth.  As I have stated on here numerous times, this censor is more or less completely negated by the act of typing.  In my brain, not only does sarcasm reign with an iron gauntlet, it has a tendency to double fist brass knuckles and amuse itself by grinding together said brass knuckles to create sparks.

That being said, sarcasm has only two rules: use lots of big words, and over-exaggerate.  Virtually everything you will ever read here ever is an over-exaggeration (unless it's pertaining to SHBF, in which case, there is no such thing as an over-exaggeration).  I think, speak, and dream in over-exaggerations.  If you are not a fan of sarcasm, over-exaggeration, or double fisting brass knuckles, please refer to number 5 of this list for the best course of action.

3)  This blog is part travelogue, part humorlogue, part bakeologue.  Basically, this blog is my life, in a blog.  If you don't know me, then you should know that I am virtually incapable of taking anything seriously, not even Really Serious Events, like, events that are SO serious, they get capital letters.  I see irony in things that are not ironic, and humor in things that are not humorous.  On top of that, the anthropologist in me is at all times conscience of my own cultural views, and the child in me is incapable of sitting still.  This means I skip through my life observing the way my own culture and worldview clash with the cultures and worldviews around me, and then--I mean, let's be honest, if you can't laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at?--I make fun of the resulting awkwardness and ridiculousness.  I poke fun at everything and everyone around me to throw into relief how I myself am challenged to change, grow, and expand my horizons on a daily basis.  I make fun of everything to make fun of myself.  This blog is me, making fun of myself.

You should also know that one time, at my grandfather’s funeral, my uncle stood outside the church and made virgin jokes.  So if I can’t take my life seriously, you can probably at least partially blame my bad genes.  If you are not a fan of self-effacing silliness, a lighthearted view of the world, or virgin jokes, please refer to number 5 of this list for the best course of action.

4)  With very few exceptions, nobody who makes an appearance on my blog is referred to by their real names.  This is the internet after all, and contrary to popular belief, I am not an idiot.  I give everyone nicknames, usually based on their nationality, or something particularly awesome or amazing they have done or said.  For example, one of my roommates from 2008 is referred to here as "Vegemite," because, prepare for your mind to be blown...she loved Vegemite.

If you are not a fan of badass nicknames, please refer to number 5 of this list for the best course of action.

5)  Thank you for referring to number 5 of this list for the best course of action.

If you are truly, deeply, personally offended by anything I write, I recommend you tell me.  We're all friends here (remember the electrical box?), and I hate it when my friends are upset.  Just be like, "Yo bitch, fix yo shit," and I will fix my shit.  Because, and let's take a good, hard look at this--if you want to read this and be really angry about it and not say anything and stew in your own anger juices, that's your prerogative, but the only blood boiling is your own.  Whereas you could just say "Bitch, fix yo shit," I could fix my shit, and everyone could be happy.

If you are truly, deeply, personally offended by anything I write here but for whatever reason still don't feel like telling me, I suggest you make yourself feel better.  You can do this like so:

a)  Breathe in.
b)  Breathe out.
c)  Take off the angry goggles.
d)  Exit blog.
e)  Read something else that doesn't make you want to stab yourself in the eye.  The gods may have seen fit to grace you with a spare, Dilios, but Leonidas would prefer you kept both.
f)  Burn me in effigy (optional step).

If you do all of these things, but also want to fill the gaping void in your soul left by your irritation with me, I encourage you to read one of these other blogs, which may help you on your way to feeling better.  These are high-quality, well-written, serious-minded blogs that are meant to be taken extremely literally.  Unlike the crap I spew here.




Peace, love, and fixing shit,



bbycrts said...

1) I don't think brass will spark, no matter how hard you grind it or strike it.

2) I thought you said "dildos" in section 5 which I thought was perfect and wonderful.

3) For reasons 1-4 I love your blog. If anybody skips down to 5 and takes it seriously they can bite my flabby white ass.

Anonymous said...

I don't remember the virgin jokes, but I remember vividly thinking "oh goodness, I have quite the family..."


Anonymous said...

Please do not give your family credit for the "virgin jokes"...blame the priest. He was the one telling that story.
btw...I love your blog!

joviyana said...

lmfao umm can i just remind you that i dont think the filter has ever been on around me seeing as you invented a duchebag song about my ex boyfriend while he was standing in front of you and i? lmfao the fact that you are never serious makes this all the more awesome which is good cause when I die someone had better be laughing. PS: I DONT HAVE A COOL AWESOME KNICKNAME. :p (that alone is offense enough to follow step 5) <3

Anonymous said...

haha i also thought it said "dildos"