12 February 2012

Watching the British

Funny story:  Yesterday Latvian Friend had a computer virus...and she called me.  Yes, me.  It's a sad day for the world when I'm the most technologically advanced person in my circle of friends--I mean, let's be honest, I never even figured out how iTunes works. Needless to say, I couldn't fix her computer.

Today she and I hit up an orchid house, for no reason other than we had nothing better to do and it was the only thing open.  It was nice, flowers are always pretty.  But I sometimes find orchids look way too much like vaginas for me to feel comfortable staring at them for long periods of time.

Other than that, I spent the weekend hanging out with the British.  Yesterday, the Geordie picked me up for a day of movie watching on the army base with all the guys from the Irish pub (minus Little Adorable Dude, who apparently woke up in the hospital yesterday morning with no recollection of how he got there, so needless to say, he was too hungover to hang with us).  We watched a Sean Connery James Bond movie (unintentionally funny), Dear John (almost as unintentionally funny as Twilight), and Coyote Ugly (unintentionally funny, but only because a) Tyra Banks thinks she can act, and b) it's half chick-flick, half weird male fantasy).  Also an episode of How I Met Your Mother, which was unintentionally unfunny.  Also we ate pizza, which was not funny, because we were eating it.

Here are some things I have noticed after a weekend of being locked in a room on the army base.

1)  They do not introduce themselves.  When they walk into a room and they know everyone but you, they will talk to everyone but you, and you run through the list of Standard Activities That Hopefully Make You Look Less Awkward Than You Feel, i.e, checking your phone, checking your planner, and then checking to see if what you've got on your phone matches up with what you've got in you planner.  However, since my German phone is a WWII relic and by planner is still shamefully made out of paper, this doesn't work.  See note above about being technologically advanced.

Anyway, this whole lack-of-introduction-thing has happened about fourteen times so far, which I find really strange for a country that's as obsessed with politeness as England is.  The only time I even got a "Hello" out of the strange British guy walking in the room was yesterday, when one guy opened the door in a towel, in the process of taking said towel off.  The look on his face when he saw me was almost priceless, and that particlar moment was so awkward, we were forced to greet each other just so we could move on to the much easier task of not looking at each other.

2)  I don't know if it's the male-to-female ratio in play, or maybe it's that the British army base is suffering from a serious lack of estrogen you don't have to pay for, for all I know, it could be they're even more squeamish than I am.  But every time, and I mean every time a sex scene came on in the movie, everyone in the room suddenly remembered something very very important they had to attend to on their phones.  And only half the people in the room were straight.

3)  Living on base pretty much feels like living in a college dorm, what with all the communal kitchens and bathrooms and everything.  Except college dorms don't generally keep M16's locked in the basement.

4)  Being a girl walking around a British army base, the general assumption is that if you're there, it's to have sex with someone.  You can talk all you want about How I Met Your Mother, or the sexuality of the guys you watched it with, no one believes you, and no one looks at you, except to notice you just long enough to a) register that you're female, b) register your hotness versus the hotness of whatever guy you're with, and c) divert their attention elsewhere.  You're just a strange girl with a stupid accent and some other guys' scent on her.  For whatever reason, I find it really funny, and make a point to talk to as many strangers as possible, just so I can revel in other people being awkward for a change.

All in all, a highly informative, highly entertaining weekend.


Sally said...

ha ha ha....priceless. Hold your head high, you vixen.

Anonymous said...

No women in the British Army?

Anonymous said...

They're there, there's just not a lot of them.


Anonymous said...

Did you just call How I Met Your Mother unintentionally UNfunny??? I would say that's unamerican, but it's more like unhuman. That show is hilarious! I'm disowning you.