Four Things I Will Never Never Never Understand About Germany

I've officially been living in Germany for just over ten months now, and I personally think I'm pretty okay at it.  I study, I'm happy, culture shock rarely rears its ugly dragon head.  But as I was biking to uni this morning, I got to thinking about all the times Germany has blinded me with this weird cultural aspect or that bizarre way of doing things.  98% of the time, I thought, I eventually come around to the German way--sometimes I go into the light skipping and plucking daisies from the Field of Everlasting Happiness, and sometimes I get chained behind a team of oxen who use my head to make furrows for said daisies.  But then there's the 2% of the time, where I take a look at some part German culture and realize: I've never understood, I still don't understand, and I have about as much a chance of one day understanding as Rick Santorum does of being elected editor-in-chief of Bitch Magazine.  That is to say, none.

So, here are four things I will never never never never understand about this country:

1)  Going Outside When It's Cold
Why, Germany, why do you do this?  And I don't mean "run from your front door to the car," which is what I would call "going outside when it's cold."  Not only do Germans go outside when it's 30 degrees out, they do it of their own free will, to actually do shit. And I don't understand.  Why on earth would you choose to eat outside at a restaurant when there's snow on the ground?  Why would you go for a walk down by the canal when water is only a few sad degrees from freezing its own ass off?  Why would you go to a beach if you have to put on winter jackets and long pants to do it?  I don't understand.  I just don't understand.  Germans love their fresh air, this I know, but I don't see how you could love anything enough to go outside when the weather is threatening to freeze the fresh air out of your shivering lungs.  We make sacrifices when it's cold out.  Some of those sacrifices include only breathing air that's been pumped out of central heating.

2)  Getting Together...To Get Together
Another thing I do not get.  The rational part of my brain tells me that this must be a cultural thing (unlike going outside when it's cold, which is just stupid.)  Then again, the rational part of my brain is small, misshapen, and has a tendency to flicker if you close the door too hard.  But I do know that whereas Americans get together with friends to do something (watch a movie, dye cupcakes pink, make their sisters pick them out clothes), Germans get together to just be together, and it makes my brain melt.  Generally, when we invite friends over, we even put the goal of the visit in the text message, i.e "Let's hang out and cook something."  "Let's hang out and play on Amy's Slip n Slide, which I got for her and not for me, I swear."  "Let's hang out and get into trouble."  And even if we somehow don't suggest an activity in the initial invitation, the invitee picks up the slack with "Sure, we can hang out!  What are we doing?"

This is not so in Germany.  "Let's hang out" actually means "Come over and we'll drink tea and eat cookies and stare at each other, preferably in semi-darkness."  I don't understand, and it makes my eyes (and brain) ache.

3)  Frozen Cheeseburgers

Do we have these in America?  Because if we do, my faith in the land of my birth is officially null and void.

and finally...

4)  Referring to Really Nice Portions of a City as "The Ghetto."

The very first time I noticed this happening was way back in 2008, and, in a blog post, I wrote this on the subject:  

"I overheard two girls talking about the so-called "ghetto" in Konstanz, and I got really interested because I've been looking for it since I got here. According to them, Wollmatingen is the ghetto, and they got "Ooh, don't go there," about it. However, I drove through Wollmatingen on the way back from the horseshow, and it is picture perfect houses with flowers on the windowsills and a few office buildings trading good clean money that has never seen the inside of a stripper's G-string. In my humble opinion, that is a CRAP ghetto."

At the time, I thought this an isolated incident--until I moved to the so-called "ghetto" of Göttingen.  And then suddenly I was getting hit left and right with pity looks when I told friends and acquaintances where I lived.  Some people just warned me to be careful, others told me to seriously considering moving.  And I was like, "Yes, hello, sorry, you call this the ghetto?  Because I've yet to find a dime bag of coke in the back of a kindergarten classroom, or watch someone get stabbed in the cereal aisle at Wal-Mart. In fact, we don't even have a Wal-Mart."

My theory as to why Germany sucks at properly identifying ghettos is simple:  the high standard of living.  Most Germans have never even seen a ghetto, let alone been followed through one by a group of guys with face tattoos.  So I'm taking it upon myself to educate this country with photo evidence, comparing the "ghetto" where I live, to the real deal.  Also known as Camden, formerly the most dangerous city in America, now number 3 and proud of it, located fifteen minutes from the house I grew up in.

Ready, Germany?  Here we go.  Watch and learn.

The ghetto where I live:

Camden:

The ghetto where I live:

Camden:

The ghetto where I live:

Camden:

So in the future, Germany, when attempting to identify a ghetto, ask yourself the following questions:

--Is there a hooker on the street corner?

--Have you seen at least two drug deals go down in the last half an hour?

--Have you heard gunshots?

--Are the houses boarded up?

--Did you order chicken wings through bulletproof glass?

--Are your friends missing at least half their teeth?

If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you may be in the ghetto.  You are also unfortunately nowhere near my house, so I can't offer you a place to hide when you pick a fight with a coked-out pimp rocking a black-market AK-47 and a bad attitude.

You're welcome.