CV stands for Cry/Vomit

Before we get started, allow me to say I'm never having children.  Or if I do, I'm going to wait until genetic engineering is morally questionable enough to let me pick my child's gender.  At which point I will test tube myself a girl, because I never want to hear the phrase "Look!  I broke my penis!" come out of anybody's mouth ever again. 

Back to your regularly scheduled programming:

Just when I think I'm comfortable, culture shock punches me in the kidney with another piece of joy.  The name of the game is Grad School Applications.

Unfortunately, I've been really, really procrastinating  on starting because I've just kind of been stuck in this little black anxiety hole which eats me whenever I try to kick myself out of it.  I'd told myself that I would start applications July 1st, but that didn't happen, then August 1st, but that didn't happen, until finally, last night, I had a dream that I missed going to school because I didn't get my application on time.  Fine, subconscious.  You win.  Crack the whip and I listen. 

So today I sat down and wrote my CV.  I spent like two hours on this stupid thing, making it all sorts of hella-impressive, and I was feeling particularly pleased with myself when Host Mom at dinner casually threw out a "If I were you, I would do my CV in German."  "But Host Mom," said I, "it says an English one is fine."  To which Host Mom replied: "Do you want to look like an American?"  Fine, Host Mom.  You win. Crack the whip and I listen.

I went back, and dutifully translated by CV into German, rearranging everything to be in German format and re-making it look hella-impressive.  I sat Host Mom in front of it to look over, and it went like this:

"Why, Tina, you are amazing!  I only made one or two grammatical changes, but other than that, it's perfect!  You're fabulous!  You will most definitely get into grad school! Look how good you are at managing your life!  Congratulations!  May I blow more sunshine up your nether regions with this giant bellows that I have conveniently in my pocket?"

At least, that is what I pictured in my mind.  What actually happened was she took one look at it, went into Host Dad's office, came out with his CV and said, "Yours doesn't look like this.  And it has to."  I debated crying.  Because Host Dad's CV is, hands down, is the sleekest, sexiest piece of resume engineering that has ever graced the planet.  It's like a Lamborghini and Jesus sat down, got drunk, and made an illegitimate baby, which then goes on to slay so many dragons, save so many chaste virgins, and retrieve so many Holy Grails, that it's inherent bastard-ness is completely overlooked when it's crowned King of Everything and Your Mother.  A 500-year long reign, the last anyone can remember--a time of peace, prosperity, and well-paying jobs.  It's printed on expensive paper and bound, for crying out loud.  Who the fuck binds their resume? 

So Host Mom went through it with me, and we set about the giant task of making mine look, if not like Host Dad's CV, at least like it's smaller, nobby-kneed brother, who retreats to a monastery to get really fat and make beer all day.  It's still not finished. Neither is the beer.

Objectively, I know the American and German CVs are two different beasts, but I was surprised to find myself shriveling up on the inside (at best), and downright resenting (at  worst) some of the changes we made.  The American CV loves some padding. The German CV does not.  The American CV embellishes a little bit.  The German CV requires proof of everything.  The American CV loves to talk about the process of getting to the end result--all the ways you were creative, innovative, and generally fucking awesome to get the result you did, and why no one else can do it like you. The German CV took two paragraphs of lovingly translated text about how clever I was, and reduced it to three stark bullet points, each consisting of about six words.  And with each evil click of the backspace button, I hated the German CV a little more.

The German CV is, for lack of a better word, really, really German.  It's short, it's blunt, it's to the point.  It's all "This is what I did, these are the exact dates I did it on, and this OCD formatting heaven."

I am trying not to take the German CV personally--after all, it wasn't me we deleted, it was only all the extra padding and truth-stretching that comes equipped on even the most basic models of the American version.  But it irritates me that naked men can cavort across my tv screen in the middle of the afternoon, but if I say I studied race theory in college, I sound like a Nazi and I have to pick another topic.  Also, the fact that the German CV requires a head shot up against an attractive, natural background, deeply, deeply offends me and I don't even know why.  But whatever.  Fine Germany. You win.  Crack the whip and I listen. 

Thus do my grad school applications progress.  Slowly, and with lots of kicking and screaming on my part.  I figure if worst comes to worst and my box under the bridge is taken, I can always retreat to a monastery to get fat and make beer.  There are far worse ways I could turn out--like a crackwhore, for example.