07 December 2011

Bad American Parenting!


I love my host parents, I really do.  They are warm-hearted, kind individuals, who pay for my health insurance, put candy from St. Nikolaus in my hot-pink stripper heels, occasionally let me drive their car, and actually like me.  But, for better of for worse, they've got a parenting style that's very...special.  They have their beliefs that they stick to, they want their child to be raised in a certain way, and they eat organic, all of which is perfectly fine.  But they're also really fond of telling me exactly where my parents fucked up raising me, and how I'm still suffering today from their parenting errors.  And it's so mind-numbingly hilarious, I can't even be offended.  Instead, I just document it. Welcome to my (long overdue) New Occasional Series, Bad American Parenting (BAP)!

Goals: 
--Make you aware of bad parenting practices.
--Demonstrate through example how you can avoid said bad parenting practices.
--Spare your children the horrors my parents inflicted on me, which have scarred me for life and made me virtually incapable of functioning in normal society.  Thanks, Mom and Dad.  Thanks.

Round 1

The scene: Host Mom and I eating lunch together.

Host Mom:  Oh, I nearly forgot!  The kids are getting dental check-ups at the kindergarten soon.
Me:  Wait...dentists go to the schools?  And give the kids their check-ups there?
Host Mom:  Of course.  And doctors do it too, that's where the kids get their vaccines.
Me:  Jesus!  The kids get shots in the school!
Host Mom:  Really not that big a deal, Tina.
Me:  Jesus.  I'm so glad I wasn't a German child, I'm terrified of needles and would have embarrassed myself in front of the whole school running away from the doctor and screaming.  I have legit panic attacks when it comes to all things medical, I get light-headed and can't see and throw up.
Host Mom:  That's because your mother socialized you poorly to the doctor.
Me:  I'm sorry, what?
Host Mom:  Had your mother done a better job of socializing you, that wouldn't happen.
Me:  Are you telling me I suffer from medical-induced panic attacks because I'm not well socialized?
Host Mom:  Yes.
Me:  Well then.


Round 2

The scene:  10 PM, sitting at the table with the host parents and family friends.  I am hungry and want a rice cake.

Me:  *sits down with rice cake smeared with peanut butter*
Family Friend:  Are you pregnant?
Me:  I'm sorry, what?
Family Friend:  Are you pregnant?
Me:  What is that supposed to mean.
Family Friend:  You're eating a rice cake with peanut butter on it.
Host Mom:  Don't worry, it's an American thing, Tina always eats weird things.
Me:  It's just a rice cake?  With peanut butter on it?
Family Friend:  You shouldn't eat at night,
Me:  I ate a slice of bread four hours ago, I'm hungry.
Host Dad:  No, really unhealthy is how the Americans always eat hot food at night.
Me:  For fuck's sake, I ate a slice of bread four hours ago.  I'm hungry.
Host Mom:  That's probably why you always stay up late, because you had hot dinners for so many years.  If your parents had fed you correctly, you wouldn't have this sleeping pattern.
Me:  Are you trying to tell me that my sleep schedule is the result of my parents putting something other than cold bread and cheese on the childhood dinner table?
Host Mom:  Yes.
Tina:  My rice cake and I are going upstairs now.

Round 2.5

The scene:  Same time, next evening.  The host parents have ordered pizza.

Me:  Ya'll realize you're eating a hot dinner, right?


Round 3

The scene:  Eating dinner with the host family

The background information:  On weekends, my host family likes to sit down at the table around 3 PM and drink tea, eat cake, and listen to music, for two hours. Unfortunately, at 3 PM in a German December, it's dark, so they light a candle. Unfortunately, sitting in the dark with only a single candle gives me a headache. Unfortunately, I am 23, American, and, after some forty-five minutes, capable of thinking of about seven million things I'd rather be doing than that.

Host Mom:  Potty training is so stupid.  Why do people do it?  If you just leave the kid long enough, they potty train themselves, but when adults try to do it, it turns the kid into nervous, anxious, wrecks.
Me:  I, along with everyone else I've ever known ever, was potty trained, and I turned out perfectly normal.
Host Dad:  Not really.  You're hyperactive.
Me:  I'm sorry, what?
Host Dad:  You're hyperactive.  You can't sit still with us for long periods of time and just enjoy the comfortable atmosphere.
Me:  ...Are you trying telling me that the reason my life is run at a slightly faster pace than yours has nothing to do with me being American, and everything to do with the fact that I was potty trained?
Host Dad:  Yes.
Me:  Wow.  Just...wow.


To recap:
I hate needles because my mom socialized me poorly.
I stay up late because my parents fed me hot food.
I run my life at a fast pace because my parents potty trained me.

Well, now you know.

Germany: Land where the people come to ridiculous conclusions.  Land where they're better at doing it than even me!

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

at least my bad parenting skills did not ruin your sense of humor!
Mom

Anonymous said...

So you've finally come across a very typical German character trait: Lecture everyone around you!!! (Argh, I want to emigrate!!)

--Dirk

Anonymous said...

To think you were complaining about all the nudity on TV. Now you know why. Those actors haven't been potty trained.

--Jim

Anonymous said...

this is the greatest thing I've ever read...
this also explains so many of my issues =P
<3amy

Anonymous said...

I quite enjoy this. Thank you for giving me another means of procrastination. Why don't I have enough of a sense of humor to write blogs dang it?


-PhilPot

Tina! said...

Write a blog Phil! It's a much safer alternative to punching people.

--Tina

Anonymous said...

Hahaa This is hilarious, Tina!oh, cultural differences. haha

--Saraj