I WON A GOLDEN GNOME. And other stories.

I have a lot of totally random stories, none of which are in themselves worth an entire blog post, but maybe I can make a blog post with all of them.

German Television!

German television is AWFUL.

No, really, it is really, really awful.  However, we only have 24 channels, so I can't honestly judge if the channels are shit because there are only 24 of them, or if they're a reflection in German TV as a whole.  But I'm going with Door Number 2, because "cable" in this country means you have to pay for MTV, where they dub over Snooki and the rest of the Jersey Shore with the smooth-jazz German of Wolfgang Kaiserkraut.  Whose name I just made up, but it's probably accurate.

On top of being chock-full of naked people, the shows themselves are shit.  One thing I do kind of like about media here though is that super good looks are not a requirement to be on television or in movies.  And for whatever reason, it took me a while to figure this out--we'd be watching TV, and I knew something was different, but I couldn't put my finger on it.  Then after a month, I realized no one was gorgeous, they all just looked like normal people.  And I must say, this is quite refreshing.

Now, here are my favorite shows on German TV!

Berlin, Tag und Nacht (Berlin, Day and Night)
--Basically the Jersey Shore, but without the Jersey, the Shore, or the tans, and set in Berlin, as everyone runs around being vapid and retarded and wanting breast implants. I like it because it's so stupid.  Also, it's really good for learning how to yell at someone in German.

X-Factor: Deutschland
--Yes, Germany has it's own version of the X-Factor, and like everything else on television, it is terrible.  Germany never got over eighties tunes remixed over a heavy-bass, so that's what all the contestants bee-bop to for your votes.  I only watch because there's one duet group I kind of find badass, it's a classically trained tenor from New York City who hangs with a chick taller than him with a voice like Celine Dion.  They're the only people on there who don't remix over a heavy bass, and thus the only ones who may or may not be worth watching.  Also the American speaks basically no German whatsoever, and it's funny to watch his face when everyone is talking.

Traum von Auswandern (Dreams of Migration)
--I find the whole premise of this show kind of funny, because it's a German TV show about Germans who don't want to live in Germany.  So they get set up with their dream job, in their dream city abroad, and have to tough it out a month, whereby at the end they can choose whether to move back to the Vaterland or stay in the new place. And, surprises of surprises, they almost always choose to come back to Germany. Who wouldn't?  Even if the Peace Corp they at least train you up a few weeks, show you how things work, and help you get adjusted.  In this show, you have to start working the day after you arrive, and no one tells you shit.  Although it blows my mind that people are so naive as to think working as a carpenter in Bali is the same as doing it in Germany.

St. Martin's Day!


Yesterday was St Martin's Tag, the actual German equivalent of Halloween.  Except because this is Germany, not America, you have to work for your candy/fruit by singing a song.  We had one child come to the door, with her cat.  For that, I have her an extra mandarin.

The Mare!


I had my first jumping lesson on the Grand Prix half-lease yesterday!  And, all things considered, it went well! It was tough, because we were jumping in the indoor, which is too small for a mare this insane to jump around in, plus the fences were all really little. The trainer put the last fence up to maybe 3'3, and the horse just blew through it.  The fences need to go up to back her off, but I'm somewhat worried "backing off a Grand Prix horse" means the fences will be taller than I am.

Do you guys know anyone so completely insane that they basically can't handle daily life?  But as soon as there's a crisis, they're the most level-headed potato out there? That's what this mare is like, she can't deal with life, but as soon as she sees jumps, at least her brand of crazy takes a focus.

What was entertaining was that half the barn had gathered to watch, and proceeded to tell me afterwards that, while the mare looks completely out of control, they at least give me props for my courage.  Thanks.

Seminar!


So today I had the first of two seminars I signed up for during the summer.  This one was called "Typisch Deutsch?" and it was all about things that are standard to German culture, and where they come from.  There was also a lot of history involved, like how the spread of Protestantism relates to a German desire for order all the damn time, and so on.  It was super interesting, super fun, and I understood everything, which made me happy.  Also being a) the only foreigner, and b) the only person under the age of 50, I was quickly adopted as the day's mascot.  It helps that I've decided to start being candid about my imperfect German, and I am no longer above asking complete strangers what things or called, or what the article attached to it is.  This meant that everyone loved me and helped me out as much as they could.

But the best part was that we ended with everyone getting intro groups, and then competing to win a golden chocolate garden gnome.  The winner was the group that guessed how many million garden gnomes there are in Germany without going over. My group guessed 13 million, AND WE WON.  And because my group thought I was adorable, I GOT TO TAKE THE GOLDEN CHOCOLATE GARDEN GNOME:  My excitement could not be contained.

HERE HAVE A PICTURE:

YES, I UNDERSTAND YOUR JEALOUSY.

Oh, you wanted to know what the correct answer was, and how many garden gnomes there actually are in Germany?  25 million.

And now, the IIGOIIG Round 6 REVEAL!

The rollber-blading, puppy-carrying, hip-gyrating man from the bar on Wednesday night?  He was...GAY.  I know because at one point his gyrations looked like they were getting awfully close to impregnating Latvian Friend), and I said "Latvian Friend, watch out!"  And he responded with "Have no fear, I'm gay."

+1 for German gay men!  Now, when you don't know if it's gay or German, you can safely assume the former, assuming it's simultaneously hugging a small animal and roller-blading.  This puts the official scoreboard at:

German: 1
Crazy and Homeless: 1
In Denial: 1
Danish: 1
Poor Taste in Music: 1
GAY!!:  1