The Number 1 Thing I Hate About Germany, and it's not British Soldiers

The number one thing I hate most about living here is not that a sex on the beach costs almost ten dollars, or that shops are clinically unable to stay open past 4.30 PM.  It's not even Germany's uncomfortable fondness for bread that closely resembles human remains passed through a velociraptor's primitive digestive system, assuming the velociraptor doesn't get enough daily fiber.  My biggest issue with Germany is this:

Let's take a closer look, shall we?

In other news, I cranked the armbar on Latvian Friend and Czech Girl last night, and somehow persuaded them to go with me to the British club.  There are two main clubs in Celle, Inkognito, where the Brits are not allowed, and Vanity, which the Germans avoid like the plague.  Latvian Friend and Czech Girl had already been to both, but their description of Vanity's drunk British men made me really curious to see the spectacle. I had to work SO hard--Latvian Friend really, really did not want to go.  But in the end, I swore that we would only go once, and never again.  It turned out to be the best time ever, and I have since revoked this swear.  

When we arrived at about 12.30 AM, and there was basically nobody there.  So we immediately claimed our own table, and sat down to watch the three creepy Sudanese guys grind the air on the dance floor.  Fifteen minutes later, we were still sitting, the creepy Sudanese were still grinding, and nothing else had happened.  I declared that the night would be a waste unless we made somehow made friends with random people.  Right on cute, a British guy wearing a bright blue T-Shirt (Peace Out!) sat down next to me, and said, "I don't mean to interrupt, but are you an atheist?"  I assumed this was the first half of a bad pickup line, and stared at him expectantly.  He stared at me expectantly.  I realized this was a real question, and said, "Sure?  Why not."  "YES!" he shouted, pumping his fists in the air, "And now let me ask you another one:  do you read Reddit?"  "Sure?  Why not."  "ANOTHER ATHEIST WHO READS REDDIT.  AMAZING."  Then he proceeded to rant at me for twenty minutes about how the whole world is fucked, but especially America, and I'm fucked, but what a lovely accent I have.  Then he disappeared, and I was trying desperately not to laugh.

The next guy that sat down next to me was completely wasted, to the point that I couldn't tell what language he was speaking.  He was staring at all of us like he wanted to eat us, so Czech Girl told him to fuck off.  He didn't move.  She turned to me and said, "How do you say 'fuck off' in German?"  "Verpiss dich."  She proceeded to yell it at Drunk Guy at the top of her lungs, but in her Czech accent, it was adorably rendered "Fairpeace deesch."  It took five straight minutes of this before he got the message. But he was quickly replaced by two Sudanese guys, who were all over Czech Girl and Latvian Friend.  Clearly the scenery was not working for us.  I proposed we go check out the other room.

The other room turned out to be the smoking section, and as we turned the corner, two British guys man-hugged so violently, they overshot and punched me in the shoulder.  "Jesus!" I said, "You scared the crap out of me!"  "Very sorry, very sorry!  Are you American?"  "...Yes?"  Thus I became friends with Birmingham and Reading, both soldiers in the British army stationed nearby, both absolutely awesome.  We spent a good hour discussing curse words, trying to do each other's accents, and making fun of America.  I also learned how to say "bastard" in a British accent, AND, according to Birmingham and Reading, win the award for Most Polite American Ever.  Sometime in between debating why you can't say "cunt" in America, and whether using the word "shuttlecock" outside the context of Badminton makes you gay, a lovely Irish brogue to my right yelled, "Me bys, are ye goin te stare at te lady al nigh', or are ye goin to buy her a drink?"  And that's how County Cork and I became friends.

British soldiers.  Are the BOMB.  They are ridiculously awesome and ridiculously entertaining.  With the help of Birmingham, Reading, and County Cork, we wound up making friends with half the squadron (who at one point started up a super awkward "USA!  USA!" chant), and I eventually got dragged out on the dance floor to demonstrate my catastrophic moves.  Courtesy of some sleek maneuvering, Latvian Friend and Czech Girl managed to finally shake the Sudanese, and joined us.  An amazing time was had by all.

To summarize, it was great fun, and I went to bed at 6 AM.  I slept for two hours, woke up sick as a dog (from the lack of sleep, not the alcohol), and lounged around all day in my pajamas.  Until 2 PM, when I hopped on my bike and headed into the city to meet up with County Cork.  We ran around, hit up the Christmas markets:

rode the ferris wheel:

made fun of the taxidermied reindeer sitting on top of it:                                                                                                                       

                                           

checked out the castle, Christmas shopped for his mother, had hot chocolate and muffins, and admired the travesty that is our propeller-controlled nativity scene:                                                                                

Plus he has that accent, where they drop the "h" and turn "thought," and "three," into "tought," and "tree," and I had zero problems listening to it for five and a half hours. 

Tomorrow, off with Latvian Friend to go play pool with New Fabio.  Hooray!  I don't know where all these friends came from so suddenly, but I am not complaining!

EDIT:  Am I the only one who thinks the video pictured above unavailable in Germany is coming from someone named "freaky mouse sex?"